Guest: Rose A. Valenta

Uncle Harry’s Obsession

Uncle Harry came over for breakfast this morning wearing flip-flops. I was making corn fritters with maple syrup and the aroma must have traveled across our water-logged backyard into his bathroom window, while he was getting a load off his mind.

He is not supposed to eat corn. The doctor told him that he has diverticulitis; he can’t digest American politics either, but Harry never listens to anyone, he’s hooked.

This morning, after making divots in my yard, he walks into my kitchen looking like the cat that ate the canary.

“Got any left?” He asked.

“You know that you are not supposed to eat them.” I responded.

“Everything in moderation,” he said.

He had The Washington Times folded under one arm.

“That’s why you have diverticulitis.” I said. “You’re obsessed with politics.”

“I like to hit the newspaper with a bingo highlighter,” he said. “The politicians with the orange dots should have gone to school to learn how to train killer whales, instead of majoring in political science.”

“Harry, why don’t you call Dick and play cards or something today, instead of reading the Times? You both like Uno, I’m just not in the mood for a political discussion this morning.”

“I think you might be interested in what Hillary said this morning,” he said.

“What, she’s appearing on Judge Judy? The statute of limitations has run out on that one.”

“No, she thinks domestic bickering in the media is setting a bad example abroad,” he said.

“Why, did they finally find out that she declared Jihad on Rahm Emanuel?”

“No, looky here,” he showed me his newspaper.

Sure enough, there was a feature article about the Secretary of State blasting both political parties for airing their hissy fits in the news media. She said that it was a bad reflection on Americans, especially to the foreign countries signing trade agreements. I laughed, as it reminded me of my Grandmother telling me as a small child, “What happens in this house stays in this house. Don’t be carrying tales outside.”

“Nice.” I said. She also has a 70% approval rating, no thanks to Bill. She should know what supports one’s character.”

“Look at Bernanke’s report,” he said. “It reads like Robert Benchley’s Treasury Report.”

“You want to stay for dinner, I’m cooking something healthy?” I responded, knowing how Harry just loves free food.

“You bet!” He smiled.

Later that night, Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck were bashing Louis Farrakhan, Jeremiah Wright, Michael Pfleger, Tom Hanks, and the Chicago press on The O’Reilly Factor. They showed some Sumo wrestlers warming up outside the Fox studio and security was installing anti-ballistic missiles. It was better than an episode of Survivor.

Uncle Harry was sitting at the dining room table enjoying the whole fiasco. He had swiveled the television set in the living room so we could watch while we ate dinner. I never saw him in such a jovial mood.

“Are those guys trying to get shot?” Harry snickered.

“Why do you think that?” I said.

“He just bashed Farrakhan, called Tom Hanks a ‘pinhead,’ and nearly double-dog dared the Chicago newspapers to cover the Living Legends award ceremony, like they’re a bunch of chickens.”

“I guess that’s one way of goading them into it,” I said. “Then, he doesn’t have to do it. Harry, why don’t you put Bravo on instead of political news, The Real Housewives of New York City is coming on and there's going to be a cat fight tonight, you might miss something,” I said.

“Did you know that O’Reilly actually called the Archdiocese of Chicago to complain about that other guy, Father Pfleger?” he asked.

“Yes,” I said, “and you’re missing Bethenny posing for nude rooftop photos on Housewives, Jill is being fake, and Luann is going ballistic.”

“Wait, I want to see the end of this.”

“Why?” I asked.

“I wanna see if Beck stabs O’Reilly with the pen.”

“Harry, change the channel or no dessert.”

“Housewives Kelly and Alex should learn from The Factor and start calling each other nicer names like ‘white right winger’ or ‘race-baiting anti-Semite.' O'Reilly was a social studies teacher, you know. I think he’s bipartisan.”

“Harry, I think he was really a history teacher and makes his money bashing the President. Now, eat your cheesecake and do something bipartisan - let the cat out, before he pees on your other flip-flop.”▪

* * * * *

Rose A. Valenta is a nationally syndicated humor columnist. Her irreverent columns have been published in Senior Wire, Associated Content, Courier Post Online, NPR, Newsday, USA TODAY, the WSJ Online, and many other local news and radio websites. She is the author of Rosie’s Renegade Humor Blog, http://www.rosevalenta.com/; and the humor book, Sitting on Cold Porcelain.

Rose is giving away a copy of Sitting on Cold Porcelain to one lucky reader. Due to shipping costs, the contest is only open to US readers. To enter the contest, you must first leave a question or comment for Rose. Then to complete your entry, either leave your email address in your comment or send a message to admin.bookblog@gmail.com. The winner will be chosen on Sunday, February 13.

Excerpt from "Sitting on Cold Porcelain" by Rose A. Valenta

It’s been a difficult day at the office and you’re exhausted. Your eyes hurt from working on a computer all day, not to mention the crimp in your neck and back, and sore Maxine (escape key) finger.

You turn on the evening news to find out that all sorts of crazy things are happening in our world. Terrorists are trying to kill us, our Vice President made another gaffe at an important event, our political pundits are calling for impeachment, a famous designer has introduced a line of bullet-proof clothing, another politician has gotten himself involved in a sex scandal, PETA is making yet another smoker ad, a scientist wants to give Galileo a posthumous eye test on a stimulus grant, and the term “Brangelina” now refers to a gay variety show at the Boston Roxy; you know that because your 10-year-old grandson told you.

You try to find out if your v-chip works for news programming, as the kids are doing homework in front of the TV. They are not asking about protractors and math manipulatives.
You could describe the way you feel as “punch drunk,” only there are no Marquess of Queensberry rules here.

You get into bed feeling warm and cozy; your significant other is snoring loudly at your side. Icicles are forming outside. You fluff your pillows, turn on the heating blanket, set the alarm, and insert the ear-plugs – all is right with your world.

Then, at around 3:00 am, at the very beginning of your crucial Rapid Eye Movement (REM) sleep (the three-hour sound sleep window that keeps people from going crazy), you begin dreaming about soaking in a hot tub, you wake up suddenly before you pee yourself, make a mad dash into the bathroom, quickly squat, and find yourself – sitting on cold porcelain.
Realizing that the culprit is still sleeping soundly in the next room, totally unaware of your predicament, and probably dreaming about lunch with the guys at Hooters, you scream loudly, as if to wake up the dead or at least that slug stuck in a salt ring.

He comes running into the bathroom, completely naked and wild-eyed with a Colt 45, ready to protect his damsel in distress. He looks around quickly like a buck protecting his turf. He almost pees on the wall to mark it; then, he looks down and spots a puddle of water and his damsel, who is stuck in the commode.

You, his damsel, begin to spew a Dennis Miller monologue, worse than anything he has ever heard on the O’Reilly Factor, he aims, and you karate chop him. The weapon falls into the commode. It can’t rust, so he stays up for an hour cleaning it out and oiling it. You are still beating his ear an hour into REM sleep. Both of you are red-eyed, resembling vampires. You go back to bed. There is still an hour left.

No, this is not a sneak preview of the next Super Bowl prize-winning GEICO caveman commercial. Some people call it Murphy’s Law every time things go wrong. I feel justified calling it “Sitting on Cold Porcelain.”

Review: "The Unidentified Redhead" by Alice Clayton

Review by Danielle

Blurb: When Grace Sheridan returns to Los Angeles to become a working actor, it's a second shot at a life-long dream. With some help from her best friend and agent, that dream could become a reality, but at thirty-three, has Grace missed her chance at the big time? Will an unexpected sizzling romance with the entertainment industry's newest "it" boy shine an uncomfortable spotlight on her life?

Alice Clayton spins a playful and erotic May to December romance in this, her debut novel. Clayton's funny, borderline neurotic heroine is perfect in her imperfections, and the off the charts sexual chemistry between her and her charming, yet blissfully unaware leading man are the true heart of The Unidentified Redhead. With laugh out loud dialogue and a super steamy romance that will get your heart racing, sneaking around in L.A. and dodging the Paparazzi has never been so fun.

The Unidentified Redhead is an extremely enjoyable novel. It has a good plot, which is very realistic and is developed quite nicely. The plot feels so fresh and original, that all the other contemporary romance novels published in 2010 don’t compare. While the ending of The Unidentified Redhead is quite well written, it doesn’t feel very resolved; however this might have been done to stay in character with the tone of the novel. The characters are very interesting, and the main characters’ light banter really makes the novel. Some of the characters do have moments when they can be either annoying or a bit over the top, but they aren’t so bad that it takes anything away from the novel. The relationship between the main characters is developed well and doesn’t ever feel at all fake. The Unidentified Redhead is definitely worth a read for anyone who wants a light and amusing romance, as it is definitely one of the best contemporary romance novels of 2010.

Review: "Best Lover in Town" by Brenda Woody and Steve Tindle

Review by Desere

Most of us can only dream about acting out our secret sexual fantasies as most us struggle to find the one special person who not only shares our fantasies but also is someone we connect with on a more romantic level. This is the case for Janet she has had a life full of exciting sexual encounters. But when she finally manages to get the one man, her boss Nathan, that she has dreamed of for so long into her bed she is beside herself with sexual happiness, but as fate would have it he has to rush off leaving her wondering if she will ever see him again or if she will ever experience again what she had with Nathan.

In Best Lover In Town you travel with Janet through various sexual relationships where she searches to find the one man that can make her feel like she did the night she had with Nathan. Each chapter takes you on a new sexual adventure leaving you begging for more! Will Janet and Nathan find passion and sexual gratification in each other arms again?

If you love erotica you cant go wrong with Best Lover In Town by Brenda Woody and Steve Tindle and even if you have never read a erotica novel before or your just looking to add some spice to your reading this is the book to start with you will be hooked before you know it.

Review: Perfection by Julie Metz

Julie Metz had a seemingly perfect life -- an adoring husband, a happy, spirited daughter, a lovely old house in a quaint suburban town -- but it was all a lie.

Julie Metz's life changed forever on one ordinary January afternoon when her husband, Henry, collapsed on the kitchen floor and died in her arms. Suddenly, this mother of a six-year-old became the young widow in her bucolic small town. But that was only the beginning. Seven months after Henry's death, just when Julie thought she was emerging from the worst of it, came the rest of it: Henry had hidden another life from her.

Perfection is the story of rebuilding both a life and an identity after betrayal and widowhood. It is a story of rebirth and happiness -- if not perfection.

Julie Metz offers a stunning and dazzling peek into her past in Perfection with her astonishingly lyrical prose. It is tragic enough that she is widowed at such a young age, after only sixteen years with her beloved husband, Henry. But what she disastrously discovers a mere several months after the devastating loss, is that he was having an affair for more than a year -- with none other than her acquaintance and mother of her daughter's best friend, Cathy. Imagine what kind of betrayal you'd feel at that sort of discovery. A man you've loved, a man who's loved you deceiving you like that -- and finding out AFTER he's dead. The anger Metz portrays is not malicious, and not even vengeful. It is only full of desperation and the distress every heartbroken woman is apt to feel. However, it certainly does not end there. By sifting through Henry's old email records, Julie yet again discovers, Cathy was not the only one. There were more women before and after Cathy. Yes, women. Women Julie has only once met at social events, women Julie was unaware of in existence, women Henry lightly joked about when he was alive. Women who haven't corresponded with Henry through email that Julie still doesn't know about.

I was astounded by Julie's courage. After a bit of research, she contacts all the women in Henry's email account, and surprisingly, develops platonic, even friendly, relationships with them. Henry is a common ground for Julie and those women, and after his passing, it was the only place Julie can find true comfort in. It takes an unbelievable strength to get the guts to do that. To face one's fears directly. And for it, I commend Julie greatly.

Perfection is a remarkably personal novel that makes me want to by the end, get to know Julie better. I can't even refer to her as "Metz", I just want to call her Julie! Her story will rather than fill you with pity, bring a sense of understanding and admiration toward her, for her strength, endurance, and unwillingness to give up. She could be your best friend. She could be your sister. She could be your mom or that nice lady who smiles at you every time you see her at the park. She could even be you.

I am deeply impressed by Metz's incredible writing style. Her words have the ability to both depress and delight the reader, making Perfection an unforgettable read in which every single page is worthwhile.

Rating

(A side note from Jen... Julie was a guest at the blog in 2010. Her interview can be read here.)

Review: "When the Vow Breaks" by Judith Leigh

Review by Judy Nickles

In sickness and in health…a vow made in the flush of youth and strength, perhaps the most difficult one to keep. Judith Leigh has written a poignant journey for both her hero and heroine.

The last two weeks had been difficult, but Jillian was getting stronger and all her tests had come back clear. Life was looking up. Morgan wore a broad smile as he sauntered toward the nurse’s station. When he didn’t see anyone, he strode in the direction of the nurse’s lounge.

He started to stick his head in the doorway, but stopped when he heard the nurses talking.

“It’s so hard to keep a smile on my face as if nothing were wrong. She’s so beautiful.”

“Yes, and to think how I envied her fine blonde hair and fair skin,” a second voice added.

“But I sure don't envy her now,” another offered. The first woman spoke again. “It's so unfair. If only the outcome could be different.” She let out a loud sigh. “Yes, she’s going to die and there’s nothing anyone can do to save her.” He recognized Nurse Thompson’s voice. “So sad.”

Morgan grabbed his chest as he backed away from the room. His heart raced. Sweat beaded his forehead and his collar tightened against his throat. No, it couldn’t be. His beautiful Jilly wasn’t going to die. Hearing the words he’d been dreading spoken out loud tore at his heart. He couldn't breathe. He had to get away. God help him. He couldn’t stay and watch her die.

While some of the events of When the Vow Breaks might seem a bit coincidentally contrived, the true romance reader will cheer the characters as they determinedly survive their personal struggles in the midst of World War II’s aftermath. Walking through a diagnosis of breast cancer and marital strife, military wife Jillian Chandler confronts her feelings of physical violation and rejection and the need to forgive. Captain Morgan Chandler must finally deal with his past hurts and risk his present happiness to honor his commitment to his country and save a friend.

A taste of history, in events surrounding the Berlin Airlift, and a hint of ‘a thriller’ combine to make When the Vow Breaks not your ‘ordinary’ romance. Two additional love stories on the periphery of Jillian’s and Morgan’s trials are a definite bonus. The well-written story flows smoothly from beginning to end. It’s one of those old-fashioned, happily-ever-after stories we don’t see much anymore but would like to. Finally, the epilogue satisfactorily ties up most of the loose ends and focuses on the hope that every romance reader holds dear.

Judith Leigh definitely writes for those who believe in the tender endurance of true love.

Review: Song of Renewal" by Emily Sue Harvey

Reviewer: Stephanie

Blurb: The Wakefields seem to have everything. Garrison is a hugely successful graphic artist. Liza is an active member of the community and a patron of the arts. Their 16-year-old daughter Angel is bright, beautiful, and a gifted dancer. At the same time, though, they have traded away many of their dreams. Garrison gave up a future as an accomplished painter to make money. Liza suspended her own dancing career to raise a family. And Angel is setting aside her ambitions to live her mother's dream.

When Angel gets into a car accident that kills her first love, the Wakefields' lives turn on a dime. While Angel lies in a coma from which even the best prognosis is devastating, Garrison and Liza sit by her side, their once-passionate marriage in tatters. As their heartache over Angel builds, Garrison and Liza struggle to rediscover who they once were -- and who they were meant to be. They come to realize that it will take everything they have within themselves to heal Angel, heal their hearts, and renew the power of their love.

At once romantic, inspiring, and empowering, Song of Renewal is a rare bauble of a novel, one with something to say to every family.

Review: The premise of this book had so much potential. Even the blurb was heartbreaking. But the blurb is pretty much the best thing that happened.
It wasn't that I didn't want to enjoy Song of Renewal. Honestly, it wasn't. But the character development was so weak, that it sort of happened on its own.

Angel in the story, who the reader doesn't really get to know since she is comatose for the majority of it, is under the impression that her father doesn't love her. Emily Sue Harvey tries to make the point through Liza's (Angel's mother) words, that he is just stoic and nature, and that he loves Angel very much. But to me, Angel seemed pretty spot-on. In the prologue, is the scene of Angel's birth, and the first thing Garrison thinks when he sees the newborn is: "Godammit, I wanted a son!" That sort of tells you what his attitude is like throughout the entire book. No matter what he argues ("I DO love you, sweetheart") it makes it rather hard to believe.

And then there is Liza. Harvey attempts to create Liza as a beautiful, ethereal mother-figure, but she's just about the last person I would want as a mother. Just about as egotistic as Garrison, possibly even more, she forces Angel to become a "dancer" (read, bulimic) her whole life, failing to see the reluctance in the child's eyes until AFTER she is on her deathbed.

The characters were too self-absorbed and oblivious for me to really enjoy this story. Nonetheless, I finished it because it was an easy read. It drew out seemingly unimportant scenes (4/5 of the novel was Liza and Garrison's inner battles that involved them talking to themselves a lot) but it wasn't painful to finish or anything. I really expected to like it, and for the most part, the plot was really genuine, but Harvey's writing style just disappointed me.

Rating

Review: "Save as Draft" by Cavanaugh Lee

Reviewer: Stephanie

Blurb: A love triangle evolving over e-mails, texts, and Facebook messages that makes you wonder if the things we leave unsaid -- or rather unsent -- could change the story of our lives.
==========================================
Sent: Monday, February 14, 2011
From: Izabell
To: Reader
Subject: Save as Draft
==========================================
Are we Facebook friends yet? I'm the wactress (waitress/actress) turned lawyer who lives her life online. Anyway, I've got this problem. There's this guy Peter. He's my best friend and co-worker, and we just started dating, which is potentially a huge mistake. But that's not all. There's this other guy, Marty from eHarm, and he ran with the bulls in Spain. I can't get him off my mind. What a mess. I'd love your advice if you can take a second out of your crazy, high-tech life. Shoot me an e-mail, text me, or BBM. And friend me if you haven't already! You can find me on Facebook under Save as Draft.

Izabell

Review: "Horizontal Collaborator" by Adrianne Sainte-Eve

Review by Danielle

Horizontal Collaborator is the fate of Gabrielle Violette Clary, an illegitimate peasant born in the countryside of France in 1894. WW1 explodes as Violette comes of age, a streetwise Parisienne, scratching out a living as a barmaid in Montmartre. In the midst of war-torn Europe, she finds herself surrounded by a wide variety of characters; some intelligent, worldly people, and some who are merely bizarre. She is presented with an opportunity to work for the French Chief of the Fifth Bureau, who dispatches her to Spain with instructions to infiltrate the German intelligence network. Violette boldly embarks on her adventure to become the mistress of the German Chief of Naval Intelligence, armed only with the brashness of the slums and her extreme naiveté.

Horizontal Collaborator fails to engage its readers’ interest, making it impossible to finish the entire book. While it had an interesting concept, it wasn’t developed properly, which made it unenjoyable to read. Furthermore the way the book starts off by jumping back and forwards with the characters is extremely confusing, as it is hard to figure out which character is actually going to be followed in the novel. Also novels that immediately start with an interesting paragraph or even an interesting chapter are better than ones that lack this, as if the novel doesn’t start interesting readers are unlikely to continue reading it. Horizontal Collaborator definitely has this problem. Unfortunately this book needs some serious improvements, as it has a lot of flaws.